Diaspora
challenges- power dynamics and negotiating space in families
Are you after power? Do you like to be powerful?
Many people find it difficult to answer this question and will skirt around
before giving a non-committal response or a confusing answer. For those who are
familiar with work by CitizensUK (CUK) and the Industrial Areas foundation(IAF)
the answer is a straight and unequivocal- yes, I want power. Why, because per
Oxford dictionary power is described as the ability to do something. It is my
submission that we live in a world full of challenges and we are always trying
to change things to live a better live. Without power, there will be no change.
Power
I
have come to realize that many are afraid of power because they can only relate
it to bad power; an overbearing father in a home, a ruthless headmaster, a bad
councilor, member of parliament, political leader, president, manager the list
is unending. In as much as there is bad power, there exist good
power-relational power. Relational power comes from spending time listening to
the other person`s life story, locating their self-interest, their passion,
matching it with ours and using the common interests as bed rock to perform
acts which change both our lives.
I
have always reminded colleagues that power is never given. One must get it.
Those with power will never let it go until they feel threatened by possibility
of losing it. Those in political circles are familiar with coalition
governments and governments of national unity. Power is not like sweets at a
nursery which can freely be distributed around. One must build their own power
in order to be recognized by the incumbent holder and then afforded an
opportunity to sit on a negotiating table. Show any political leader that you
can build your own constituency and see how quickly you are invited for tea and
an offer for a higher position. These power dynamics have not spared the church
fraternity, hence the endless church splits. Of course, there are those who say
they do not want to bring politics in the church. How do people read the bible
and fail to relies it is a book about politics? It is a book about God`s
kingdom which has power at its center. Without spiritual power demons, would
play havoc in the church. Remember the rise and fall of kingdoms in the bible,
the wars the annexation of land? If that is not power dynamics and politics,
then what is? I urge my fellow
Christians to have this revelation. Whenever, there are electable positions
there will always contestations around who should occupy a certain powerful
office. Why have a powerless office which cannot change people`s lives,
physically and spiritually?
Families
I
grew up in those days when fathers yielded so much power that any mention of my
mischiefs landing in his ears was a sure case of impending disaster to my
wellbeing.Any attempt to hold on to my old ways was a sure way of
losing the family and possibly a heart attack.
In
many family’s wives and sisters were the harbingers into the diaspora. Men
followed only to find women masters in the diaspora life dynamics. My wife had
to teach me how to travel in London, where to get the first care job, how to
register at the surgery and so many other host country etiquettes. I had
previously dominated this knowledge at home. Now I had to be taken on a tour by
a powerful woman! Did I have any choice but to comply? No. Children quickly
realized that the once powerful father was no longer that powerful and after
all mum was paying most of the bills.
I had derived most of my power from my earning
capacity at home, which was well beyond my wife`s. Tables had changed. I had to
comply or face a revolt in the home. I was not ready to turn my home into a
battlefield, so I started sharing power and peace gradually returned. I have
shared stories with several married men. This power shift was experienced by
many when they landed in the diaspora. Marriages broke and continue to struggle
as seismic power shifts take center stage in many families. Politics start in a home setting. Handled
well, home political landscape lends a good training ground for national
politics. The home provides the smallest unit of democracy. Anyone who succeeds
in that unit is likely to become a good church leader, community leader and
obviously national leader. Perhaps a look at our current leaders and their
failures can be traced back to how they are faring in home politics.
Children
Many
families had one parent coming into the diaspora first to test the waters. Once
they had attained settled status they then applied for spouse or/and children
to join them. Having lived apart for a while relationships had to be rebuilt.
Spouses had developed new habits, children had grown up. Power within the
family unit had to be renegotiated. Those who had got new power because of the
new environment celebrated whilst those who had lost power winged. The main
loser, in many homes, was the father. His positional power had been superseded
by women rights, children’s` rights and financial power, which, for many
households, had shifted towards the mother.
Children
grow and flourish in stable families. The tempo or environment is set by the
parents. The way children talk in the playgrounds or in class tends to mimic
how conversations are conducted in the home. If parents speak with love and
respect, more children would mimic that wherever they would be. We are all
children of the environment. It is this unfriendly home environment which then
translate into the gangsters which has taken over our children. Some families
behave like a gangster training grounds. There are plots and counter plots.
Spouses rebuke and fight each other in children`s presence. Children are
manipulated by whoever seems to have more financial power against the weaker
spouse. Suddenly, the children start leveraging the new manipulative power even
against the sponsoring party, asking for small bribes if allegiance is to stay.
Most broken families are a result of a failure to deal with this power dynamics
in the home. By now we should have learnt to accept embrace the new cultural
shifts and curved a new life styles to revert our homes to spaces where
respect, care and love are the hallmarks of a good life.
Getting it right
It
is important to get these family power dynamics right whilst still alive. I am
reminded of the power dynamics which come into play when one dies. Diaspora
deaths are worse. The husband`s
relatives will fight with the wife`s even about where one should be buried, let
alone the estate. However, apart from
wanting to usurp whatever is left of the estate, no one is ready to pick up the
end of life expenses. This is where insurance plans like the Diaspora Funeral
Cash Plan become handy.
